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after ilang buwan ng kawalan. nagsayang nanaman ako ng oras para sa katarantaduhan... yehey! tanga! 32. My Wayby rackista39 - December 2, 2009. for someone i once knew I'm walking very slow Making pace with a dreamless day It started with your eyes Starting at the moments of yesterday So you know that we'd make it through You made me realize I'm happy to be with you
On days of sadness, you where there by my side Until it's over, it's time to go my... way So sick of all the things Out of nowhere takes your smile Rest in my absence Remember I'm sorry Yes, I let go Like water in my eyes I'm waiting for this love until it dies...
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dearest you,
please forgive me if i make no sense. sorry if i always screw up. sorry if i always make mistakes. sorry if i lie to you. sorry if i told you i don't care. sorry i make your day worse. you make mine worse too, but i guess that's just life, and i will not be used to it if you're gone. sorry if i can't help you... you do not know how much i wanted to figure this out as well. i guess i am not the right person to care for you, or be your bridge along the way.
please show me how much you care. i want to see a smile from you. we both have our reasons to make the day blue. i know it's personal, i am better off with... let me change my mind... without you. here, i lied again... i see that it's hard to stay tough, for what i've made you see, what i've made this world believe made me weaker than ever before.
you do not know how much i hate myself for being helpless, for i lost everything i had, even you. please make me take a stand and stir my howling spirit to a new direction. i hate it when i cause you everything that is bad. i hate it when i cause you anger. i recall how i hated monday mornings, and weekdays for i get the chance of resulting from a good mood to a crazy wave. you do not know how i hate myself for making such an ugly fool from it, knowing that i could be better, if i never swallowed my growling pride and if i had not fallen in the pit of tar that changed me. it converted me to make shit, and to a lowly creature, lower than you're hell... well, you do not know how i missed hating you... even if i still have the reason to hate you, i still miss it. i miss being alone, i miss my privacy. i miss my life... yet i've been sulking to become the old me before this drastic change, and yet, i see that i am coming back to life, but with same problems.
go on! be mad! for i've made you piles of shit!! for you! that others find nice, yet i know it's a mistake, and it's burried in my cemetery, revived by mystery and creative stories. i've made hand written colors to warm and paint the cold air, i've made hand written colors washed by you stare... that's colder than the air. ah, yes. your stare. you have the eyes that would shimmer and shine. i found it in your eyes, the most beautiful pair i've seen, the conviction and happiness, feelings i've never seen before... but in your eyes, i've seen it change, 'til now i see it blank and ugly. no more happiness... it doesn't shimmer and shine. i was afraid that i was one reason to cause this monstrosity. the magic faded to ash... it's all gone.
you do not know how worse i feel, worst than ammunition and bereavement. more down than the winter summer's snow, for mistakes are still to follow. you've seen me fall, you've watched me wake, you've witnessed my crawling, and stepped on my brakes... i did not realize how much it would cost me to make you shit... i've lost boom, i've lost disconnection, i had to play with feelings, a selfish act just to forget you. AAAAAAH! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONE!
... until that day that others knew, not seniors but people of true. i do not know if you know it too, but i have no idea how they knew... until now, it bothers me, who else knows it's you...
-yorro. nov.30.09
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even life has its own melody, one that would take others away from melancholy... it has the hope to have a brethren to come back from injury... ~ asan ka na?! inaantay ka na ni goddess... :) ---------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- HAAY BUHAY NGA NAMAN.... mapagbiro... puro pagsubok. ---------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- my life... ah, yes. one of the greatest! my life... sintunado. my life... indulto. my life... obrero. my life... sakripisiyo. my life... musikero. my life... simpleng tao... simpleng buhay. simpleng hirap. simple... swak lang. ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------- LOVE OF MY LIFE... ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------- ~ bring it back... don't take it away from me because... YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ME!
~ freddie mercury. QUEEN
haay... ayan tuloy. alam mo na din. D: siyempre. alangan namang lumapit pa ako sa'yo. pagkatapos kong itago ang totoo... buong akala ko mabubuhay ako ng di kinukwento ang buhay ko... na mali ang lahat ng ginawa ko. masakit kasi baka may gusto na ako sa'yo. :( oh well! ~ love of my life, can't you see? you took it away from me because YOU don't know what it means to me... ~ rackista39 ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ----------------- i live my day as if it were my last... ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ----------------- so true... true and blue... i promised myself that i should make the whole world listen before i die... i promised myself that i'd give my family a better life... i promised myself that i have to prove that music is worth making... > all of it is gone.. i broke my promise. i left my piece. now... nothing.
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* kanina ... *
tao 4, may nasabing pangalan ng kaibigan ko last year... hirit ko:
ako: aw... si *pangalan ni kaibigan* classmate 1: aww... * tao 4, nagulat ako nanlisik yung mata niya habang nakitingin sa akin, na parang mali na sabihin yung pangalan ni kaibigan *
ako: bakit? wala namang masama ah! * napatingin ako kay classmate 1 *ako: nakita mo yun? classmate 1: oo nga eh! D: ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------ CONFUSED NA TALAGA AKO... GANUN BANG KASAMA YUNG ITSURA KO? *not in a bad self centered way * ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------ * that same day time... *
* classmates asking questions on how one is affected by media... *
classmate 2: *asks a question about who are affected when it comes to their looks and what they see on tvs and magazines *... a sea of people raise their hands ... * i wasn't raising mine... personally, kasi, i just don't look out to what i should wear, or how i look... tapos out of the blue, i blurted out, kasi madami nagtataas ng kamay... *
ako: vain... * tao 4 looked at me, looking shocked * ~ cricket sound comes in ~
* ako din nagulat kasi di ko akalaing maririnig niya... *
ako: ay, wala lang po yun... * we both laughed... *... pero, naalala ko yung standards... * ang baba ng standards mo *
tssk.
-------------- DAHIL BA: --------------- x mukha akong dugyot x maitim ako x di ako mukhang presentable x di ako nag-aayos x lousy uniform ko x dahil ba bagsakin ako x di ko ginagamit utak ko ??? ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------ DITO NAMAN TAYO SA MGA NEUTRAL NA PANGYAYARI. ACTUALLY, FEEL KO DAPAT MASAYA TO... ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------ everytime seryoso ako, nauuwi sa tawanan! ---------------------------------------- ------------------- TALENTA... este, TARANTADO MOMENTS... ---------------------------------------- ------------------- * papanhik ako... actually, i am already walking along the corridors. ibabalik ko sana yung amp kasi di na namin gagamitin... *
* nakasalubong ko si tao 5 *
* nagkatinginan kami. parang ako, may kutob akong magkakausap kami ... *
* tao 5 napatigil para makipag- usap *
* parang ako, looks back kasi ineexpect kong may sasabihin siya... pero di ko alam ano... NAKO PO! *
tao 5: ria, what inspires you to make songs...? * smiling * * i sigh... putting the amplifier down on an elevated area so it will be easier to reach, to talk to tao 5 *
ako: haay... pati ikaw alam mo din... * tao 5 smiles again and i was felt like shrinking... *ako: nako... disturbing kaya! tao 5: * mouthed * si * dug dug dug dug * ? ako: pano mo nalaman? *seryoso mode* * staring moments ** moments of silence comes next... *
ako: disturbing kaya! * frantic mode *tao 5: even i am disturbed of... -pause- * dug dug dug dug* ? * asks if it was really that person* * jokes * ako: pano mo nga nalaman?! tao 5: i always pass here no?! i hear it from people... * ghad! ha?! baket?! pano? parang ayokong maniwala... hindi. ayoko talaga! * hahahaha! ** i was a bit teary kasi i don't know how to deal with stuff that i totally had forgotten... or left behind na... ** naiyak na ako kasi nakakainis yung situation... tapos di ko alam ano sasabihin ko *tao 5: ria!! there's nothing wrong if you make songs for someone! * tao 5 trying to look assuring... * * that struck me... gha! even if it's wrong, it sounded right... * * this kept me thinking as well ** that stopped my tears from making its first breakdown... ** kung alam mo lang kung ano yun, nako, tao 5. di mo sasabihin yan... D: * hahaha*~ actually, insight ko lang dito, nagulat ako kasi i did not expect that to come from tao 5. really. * so ayun... *
ako: pano mo nga nalaman?! tao 5: ha? duh, i pass here nga! ako: Ang lakas naman ng pandinig niyo! tao 5: malamang! alangan namang marinig ko sarili ko kapag di ako nagsasalita! * we both laugh *~ at ngayon, natatawa na ako kasi parang wala nang point yung songs na yun eh... parang joke time na lang... but i found this conversation really off ... ---------------------------------------- - TARANTADO MOMENT 2... ---------------------------------------- - * ito, matagal na to... ** tao 6, nag usap lang kami randomly about college... *tao 6: ria, what are you planning to take for college... * sigh... alam mo namang bagsakin ako eh... *
ako : wala. kailangan ko na munang magkatrabaho. tao 6: ha? e, to get a job, diba you have to finish college first? ako: * shrugs * mas kakailanganin kong magtrabaho muna kaysa mag-aral... * tao 6 staring *
ako: * uhh... * basta! * ito, moments of silence ulit *
* i was looking down *
* biglang *
tao 6: bakit? dahil ba tingin mo hindi ma aacquire yung skills mo sa college? ako: * napaisip * * nods my head * tao 6: well ako, naappreciate ko yung skills mo... * woah! kagulat * * it felt like things my thoughts stopped in midair ** di ko expect na manggagaling yun kay tao 6 ** ang lakas ng impact kasi it did not come from the people who are more involved in my life ** kasi mali yung purpose nung musikang nagawa ng mga kamay ko * *huhuhuhu*
* moment of silence ulit *
tao 6: well, you just have to work hard to finish highschool so that you could do well in college... *or something like that*
... so true... highschool muna bago college... D:
~ haay... saklap! buti na lang, dahil kay tao 5, tatawanan ko na lahat! :)) hahaha! basta! D: ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------ HAHAHA! KAUSAP KO YUNG ISANG BEST FRIEND KO NGAYON! VALJEAN! ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------ kasi itong pare ko, madaming astig na pets! like snakes, owl, dogs, iguana, ipis, scorpions, cats, at AKO! hahaha! tae! biro lang! takte! tapos sabi niya, ibebenta niya na daw lahat ng hayop niya! :)) tas bibili daw siya ng bagong aso! hahahaha! tas sabi ko ' SAYANG! ASTIG KAYA YUN! PARE, WAG! ' sagot niya... ' nu ka ba?! EXOTIC yung mga hayop ko! MALALAMBING MO BA ANG EXOTIC?! ' * grabe! natatatawa na talaga ako! * '... yung aso nga nalalambing eh! Gets?! pero kapag yung ahas yung lambingin mo, ang lamig... ' seryoso pa siya eh! hahahahaha! wala lang! share!
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sige... ilalagay ko dito isa isa ah... simulan natin KAHAPON... nasa corridors, galing office, nakasalubong si tao number 1.tao 1: yorro, balita ko gumawagawa ka ng kanta... * wow! pano naman nalaman ni tao 1? naks! pinakikinggan niya kaya yung mga kanta namin? *
ako: oh?!
tao 1: oo! balita ko nga eh *blah blah blah blah blah* yung chords mo eh.
*di ko pinansin nung una kasi akala ko joke lang... *
*tas INULIT niya! dun na ako nagkanda leche-leche...*
ako: ha?! san mu namang lupalop nakuha yan?! tao 1: *blah blah blah blah* yung chords mo. as in *blah blah blah blah blah* ako: *natutulig na sa blah blah blah* tae! san mu nga nalaman?! LAOS na yan ah! tao 1: it came from my most reliable source... *staring moments *
tao 1: tama ba? * nanlalaki yung mata*
ako: naniniwala ka ba?! eh pano kung di totoo?! tao 1: ewan ko. naniniwala ako eh! *caveman feelings come in... ~cricket sound~ ... any moment now... *
ako: * frantic mode * takte! sino nga nagsabi!!! kalahi ko ba o kalahi mo?! tao 1: kalahi ko eh. * patay! *
ako: SINO NGA?! ILAN YAN?! tao 1: madami kami eh... ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------ BAKIT BA KAILANGAN NIYO AKONG PAG-INITAN?!! HA?! DIYAN BA KAYO MASAYA?! ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------ KANINA naman... * kakatapos ko pa lang mag gitara, tumayo ako, magulo uniform ko *
tao 2: yorro, fix your uniform ako: ay, wait! mag mamagic ako! * biro ko, kasi ayoko mailang kay tao 2 kasi baka masama na din yung tingin niya sa akin * ako: ding! magic! * nag-aayos ng uniform *
tao 2: ang baba ng standards mo.. * parang ako, 'ano connect?'... tas... akala ko mali ako ng pagkakarinig *
ako: ha? ano ulit yun?
tao 2 : sabi ko ANG BABA NG STANDARDS MO!!!! * takte! parang ako, ' haaaaa?! bakkkeeeeeeet?!!!! ano naman ginawa ko?! ' * .. . bakit kaya? ... * punta sa sulok at tinanggal ang amp sa saksakan... si tao 2 nakatitig ng SOBRA! * ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------ BAKIT BA KAILANGAN NIYO AKONG PAG-INITAN?!! HA?! DIYAN BA KAYO MASAYA?! ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------
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ewan ko ba kung pagsubok to... D: nasabi ko nang hindi na ako gagawa ng kanta... nangarap akong mabago at maparamdam sa buong mundo ang musika... ang nais kong maparating... oo nga naman, ano ba mapapala ko? eh lahat na lang ng gnwa ko para dito ay walang kwenta... tama ba? mapapahamak pa ang mga taong ayaw dito. sinira ko ba reputasyon niyo? para mas hindi masira, tatanggalin ko na. tutal naman hindi naman importante eh... wala na naman akong mukhang ihaharap eh sa inyo eh... ang dami niyo pala, hindi ko alam na sobra ang nagmamasid... grabe. how long could you bury me? i try to bear with my miserable fate. stop making things worse. salamat sa mga taong nagrate, comment, nakinig sa FATE Album... hindi lang kanta ko yung nandoon pero pati yung mga gawa ni Kim Lumagbas simula pa nuong 2nd year kami. nabigyan niyo ako ng pagkakataong mapamalas ano man ang khangalang nagawa ko. tarantado eh... sorry... hindi to talent eh. mali... siguro, rason ko lang para mabuhay ay manakit ng tao, maging pahirap, at higit sa lahat, sayangin ang oras niyo... pangarap kong ipagpatuloy ang musika, at matagal na akong nahumaling nito, pero laging may point na hindi na pwede... aaaaaaaaaah!!! D: gusto ko makilala para sa musika, pero mali ang musika, mali ang pagkakakilala, mali ang himig na nalikha... i surrender. salamat. ~ yorro. rackista39
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Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide No escape from reality Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy (Poor boy) I need no sympathy Because I'm easy come, easy go Little high, little low Any way the wind blows Doesn't really matter to me, to me Mama just killed a man Put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life has just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye, everybody I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, oooooooh (Anyway the wind blows) I don't want to die Sometimes wish I'd never been born at all [Guitar Solo] I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the Fandango Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me (Galileo) Galileo (Galileo) Galileo, Galileo Figaro Magnifico-o-o-o-o I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me He's just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go Let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go Let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go Let me go (Will not let you go) Let me go (Will not let you go) (Never, never, never, never) Let me go, o, o, o, o No, no, no, no, no, no, no (Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama Mia, let me go Beelzebub has the devil put aside for me, for me, for me! So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye So you think you can love me and leave me to die Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here [Guitar Solo] (Oooh yeah, Oooh yeah) Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me Any way the wind blows...
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WOW! simply wow... naluha kaya ako kanina... D: pangarap kong makarating dun! pangarap na pangarap kong makapasok dun! dati kasi sabi ko malayo... di ko kaya... PERO GUSTO KO! tas kanina, sabi ni mama pwede na daw kami pumunta kasi napaxerox niya yung nso birth certificate na ayokong tingnan... haha... basta! ayun! tas kasi nakapag-ipon na ako for the application form starting dun sa mga sukli sukli sa pamsahe at mga baon na di nagagalaw, at eventually, nasakop yung pamasahe namin ni mama! hahaha! GRABE! i went to ust to apply for the entrance exam on December 6... tae. 1st choice: Bachelor of music... - ayaw talaga ni mama nito... alam kong di namin kaya kasi ilang taon din to... as in mga 6 or 7? minimum na nga ata yung 5 years, di ka pa tapos nun! grabe, as in walang bawian kong sinulat yun. sabi ni mama padalos dalos daw ako. :(( dun ko kasi sa ust sinulat habang nasa counter, kasi natatakot akong suwayin si mama... kasi baka hindi niya ako suportahan, which is evident... waah! ito lang yung paraan para mabago lahat... para mapatawa ang iba. mapakanta ang di umaawit... at gumawa ng musika na buong mundo ang tatangkilik. ito lang... sabi kasi yung test, AUDITION! hala! gusto ko magmajor in composition, para makagawa ako ng mga kanta para sa Diyos, at the same time, para sa buong mundo. kaya lang... nabibingi na ako.. honestly... may something sa left ear ko, which was found recently nung nagpacheck up ako before the va trip... disturbing kasi inborn ata siya... D: hahaha! Anyway, sidestory. baka may pagawa silang parang 'what note is this? ' sabay tapik ng kahit anong nota sa keyboard... SHIT! pano kaya yun?! hindi naman lahat ng tao may perfect pitch... haay... basta! kahit anong mangyari, PANGARAP KO TO. khit alam kong gigipitin ko lang sarili ko... pamilya ko... ITUTULOY KO BA? aah! nahihirapan na ako! 2nd choice: BFA Advertising Arts... - sabi ni mama, mas mabuti daw to kasi mabilis lang, tapos maganda pa ang mapapasukang trabaho... D: advertising arts... kung computer class nga di bongga nagagawa ko eh, ito pa kaya?! pero hindi ko sinabi to kasi gusto ko matuto. GUSTO KO MATUTO! tas sabi ni mama, 'gusto ko sayo education'... JUSKO DAI! nu ba yan?! kung science nga dati kong gustong subject binabagsak ko ngayong highschool, EDUCATION PA KAYA?! gusto ko magturo, magturo sa iba ng MUSIKA. i believe that the melody comes from the heart... the rhythm that only a few would understand... a song that only some would listen... with words of passion, that no one would dare change... its ORIGINAL MUSIC. this music would change the world...i'd like to make people realize music is within them... music class... tssk.. NOT BORING! hahaha! fun kaya! nag-eenjoy kaya ako, kahit may mga side comments na 'WHOKAY!' o kaya 'E DI SABIHIN MO!!!' , o yung mga statements na may tono tsaka may exclamation point at may kasabay na tingin, okay lang kasi masaya kaming lahat. :)) i used to be ambitious until some folks have ruined things for me... not blaming them, but i want to prove something else... i used to let go of how i really feel, and just do things because i HAVE to... and i start to like it as well. a friend and i had a conversation last time and she asked ' ano ba balak mo sa buhay?' sagot ko... ' wala naman akong balak sa buhay ko eh...' ' hala! di pwede yun!' well, i really don't have for people had to drive my own life, for they know BETTER, as my mom would always say... and i want to have the life i want, the hair, the clothes, the stuff i wear... kanina nga nag-away kami ni mama... sabi niya, ' DI KA KASI UMAYOS EH! IISIPIN NA LANG NG IBA PINABABAYAAN KA NAMIN! ' ouch... frankly, nasaktan ako... kasi ang mga tao, lagi na lang akong kinakausap kasi may mali sa akin... lahat ng ginawa ko mali. parang si mama... lagi siyang nagagalit kasi lahat ng nakita niya sa akin mali. grabe... kaya laking gulat ko na lang nung may nag-sabing ' ako... naapreciate ko yung ginagawa mo ' ... as in WOAH! IMPACT! as in ngayon lang nagsisink in sa akin, kasi i always tell myself that i wouldn't care what others think, basta i know what's right from wrong and i am not doing harm, i join the world as it revolves.... at goal ko na mapakinggan ng tao yung musikang magagawa ko, kasabay ng grupo dahil ayokong mag-isa. wow... someone cares... and it did not come from my mom. haay... haha! naalala ko si carmela! hindi ako naooffend kapag may sinusuggest kayo, kasi daw nakastraight face ako. uh... i think a lot... i really THINK HARD... i TRY my best to understand... hindi ako madakdak na tao *personally* at hindi ako mahilig magreact... sorry... pero i really like ideas, for like i said, it drives my life. okay? ito lang... wag niyong ipilit na tama kayo pagdating sa feelings ko kasi i know when i feel bad... i know when i feel angry... and i would tell you guys naman diba?! or someone in this group of friends, but still, i would tell... yun lang! hindi ko alam bakit pinagtutuunan ko ito ng pansin... musika?! simula nga nung natuto ako magbanda, dun na din nagsimulang magbago itsura ko, pananalita, pati utak ko. diba? pero ngayong wala na ako sa banda, wala na din akong tugtog.. akala ko nga matitigil na ako eh, which is true, kasi di ko na maalala yung ibang mga songs, pero gumawa ng paraan ang Diyos para makatugtog pa din ako... swear... bagong club, walang banda... wala lang... anyway... masakit kaya kapag sinasabi niyong ang laki ng pinagbago ko, tapos gusto niyo ibalik yung dati... D: ako din, gusto ko, kasi masaya, walang problema, kaya lang ,di na eh... kasi di ko na maayos tong mga natapos na pangyayaring humantong sa problema... ayoko na... sana tamang mag-apply sa ust kahit mas kailangan ko ng trabaho para makapag- aral... pero kailangan ko munang tapusin ang HIGHSCHOOL! patay... bobo na ako... sobra... well, sige, dati pa... sinasabayan ko nga ng dalangin ang pag-aaral ko eh... sana matapos na ang paghihirap namin... sana... but this is impossible as well...
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